Forever Changed
by SindyLoo
Summary: "No. Brian, don't. You were relieved. You didn't want a baby with me. I didn't know I wanted one either but now I know I do, Brian. I want a baby. I want a family and you don't. I wanted forever and I don't think you're ready to give that to me."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is something I started after Wednesday's Child and didn't get around to finishing until last night, I haven't decided if I want to leave it as a one-shot or make it a two-shot yet, maybe you guys can help me with that decision? Um, I own nothing. Dick Wolf owns the Characters and the Lyrics are from **_**What Hurts the Most**_** by Rascall Flatts.**

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away…_

Olivia looked around the large bedroom she and Brian shared, her mind rushing back to the nights they spent tangled in each other's bodies, the nights they stayed up and discussed their hopes for their future, the way they used to wake up on one pillow, their bodies molded perfectly against each other. All those memories seemed so far away now. As if overnight, something changed. They changed; the once comfortable, loving environment that they called home was now filled with awkward silences and nights alone. She sat on the edge of bed, and put her head in her hands as tears flowed down her cheeks, she didn't want to do this but there was nothing else left to do.

Her heart stopped when she heard the keys turn in the door, he was home early and she knew this was going to get ugly.

She listened as his footsteps inched closer to the bedroom, a fresh set of tears stinging her eyes

"Hey, Babe."

"Hi." Her eyes never left the spot on the floor and her voice was barely audible after crying.

It didn't take much for Brian to realize something was wrong, he quickly took in his surroundings and his eyes immediately fell on the large duffel bag at the side of the bed, he breathed loudly and closed his eyes hoping this was all just a bad dream. He knew their relationship hadn't been the same recently but he didn't think it had gotten so bad that she would leave.

"Liv, what's going on?"

"I'm leaving, Brian." Olivia's heart broke saying those words for the first time aloud, she had said it to herself but to actually say it aloud was entirely different, it was painful; it was raw.

"Why?" Brian's typically deep, husky voice was quiet and laced with sadness.

The sadness in Brian's voice broke Olivia's heart even more, she tried to do this before he got home, hoping to avoid the confrontation, they had already hurt each other so much, she didn't want to do it again. She shook her head, unable to answer.

"Olivia. Why are you leaving? You were trying to walk out on me, on us while I wasn't home. Tell me why you're leaving, I deserve that much"

"I just…I can't do this anymore, Brian."

"Why? What pushed you this far? Why didn't you talk to me before you let it go this far?"

Olivia stood up and faced Brian, he looked defeated and she knew she was just going to make it worse, "why didn't I talk to you? Because you're never fucking home! You're never around; you barely have time to send me a goddamn text message to tell me you won't be coming home and those rare occasions when you do come home, you go straight to sleep and you're out long before I even wake up. Tell me, Brian- when could I have talked to you? When was the last time we even had a conversation?"

"That's not fair and you know it! Sure, I'm not home that often but neither are you. We've both made mistakes Olivia, it wasn't just me. How can you stand there and put all the blame on me? There were plenty of times I came home and I could tell something was bothering you and each time I asked you what it was, the answer was always the same, 'I'm fine, Bri, it's nothing.' I may not be home as often as you but I sure as hell made more of an effort to talk than you ever did." Brian ran his hands over his face and gently threw his head back, resting it against the door frame.

"It's just not working Brian"

"We can make it work, Liv. We've already come so far…"

"Brian, it's too hard."

"So you run? Things get hard and you run away? I thought you said you were past that, Olivia? You said you ready to let yourself be happy and that you wanted that to be with me. What happened to you saying that you weren't who you used to be? You don't just give up on love, Olivia. You fight for it."

"How can I fight for something, someone, that's not there Brian? We share this apartment but we live separate lives. We've been co-existing for so long that I've forgotten what it was about us that made me fall in love, that spark is gone Brian and I don't think we can ever get it back."

Brian's gaze raised slowly from the spot he was staring at on the floor to meet Olivia's, her eyes were red and puffy from crying and his showed pain and vulnerability, he stared at the woman standing front of him being let out a loud sigh "You've forgotten what made you fall in love? It's just that simple for you, huh Liv?"

Olivia just shook her head, a fresh set of tears were now streaming down her cheeks, she slowly gazed at the large bed they shared and ran her hand over the edge before dropping her gaze to her feet "I can't remember- I can't remember the last time we were together, Brian. I can't remember the last time we made love"

Brian slowly approached Olivia so he was now standing directly in front of her, his hands slowly cupped her face as he spoke "It was a Saturday morning, Liv."

Olivia looked at him, unsure what he was trying to say,

"The last time we made love, it was a Saturday morning. We were supposed to go out the night before but we both got caught up at work. I got home first but fell asleep before you got in. We woke up wrapped in each other's arms when the phone rang, some stupid telemarketer. It was the latest we had slept in in months; it was just after 9am and it was the first Saturday we both had off in a month, we planned to run errands and go for a walk in the park but we ended up staying in bed all day and ordering in, we didn't want to lose a minute with each other…"

Olivia's memories rushed back to that morning, they had spent what felt like an eternity worshiping and exploring each other's bodies, bring each other to the heights of their climaxes before falling back into each other's arms where they stayed wrapped for the rest of the day. "I can't believe you remembered that."

Brian smiled sadly as he uncapped her face "I remember every minute I have you, Liv."

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and closed her eyes briefly, the silence between them was deafening, there used to be a time when they basked in comfortable silence, but things were different now, the silences between them had grown longer and slowly became awkward. "We want different things, Brian."

Brian shook his head, knowing where this was going "the pregnancy scare, Liv…"

"No. Brian, don't. You were relieved. You didn't want a baby with me. I didn't know I wanted one either but now I know I do, Brian. I want a baby. I want a family and you don't. I wanted forever and I don't think you're ready to give that to me." Olivia slowly stood up and placed her hand on the side of his face. She smiled sadly before placing a soft kiss on his cheek "I'm sorry, Brian."

Olivia picked the duffel bag up off the floor and walked out of the bedroom, a few seconds later Brian heard the apartment door close. He slowly walked to his of the bed they used to share and sat down. He opened the drawer on the nightstand and picked up the small black box before opening it and pulling out the ring that was securely placed inside. Brian sighed and shook his head as a single tear escaped and rolled down his cheek, "I wanted forever just as much as you did, Olivia."

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Regular disclaimers apply, I own nothing, Dick Wolf owns the characters and the lyrics are Sade's _By Your Side_.

_**You think I'd leave your side baby  
You know me better than that  
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees  
I wouldn't do that…**_

"_Liv, I've been thinking…"  
"This can't be good" Olivia playfully joked with Brian as they carelessly strolled through Central Park hand-in-hand as they've soon so many times before, she casually moved closer to him and instinctively he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "everything okay?"  
"Uh… Yeah. I was just thinking that my apartment is a little small, and with so much of your stuff it's really cluttered…"  
"Oh…Bri, I didn't realize you felt that way…" Olivia said quietly, trying her hardest to keep her composure. Was he really kicking her out? She knew she wasn't ready to go back to her apartment and wasn't sure she was comfortable being alone yet.  
Brian felt Olivia's body tense up in anticipation of what he was going to say, she had a tendency to expect the worst from people.  
"Hey, let me finish?" Brian stopped and turned to look at Olivia, he smiled sweetly at her as he moved a strand of hair from in front of her face "I was thinking that maybe it was time to get rid of the bachelor pad? Get a bigger place, a place for us? I know it hasn't been under great circumstances but Liv, having you there every day, waking up beside you, falling asleep with you, it's been nice. What do you say?"  
Olivia beamed as she happily shook her head in agreement, "let's do it." _

Olivia tried to keep the tears at bay as her memories replayed the moment Brian asked her to move in with him, it had been 5 weeks since they broke up, 5 weeks since they last spoke.

Three days after walking out the apartment she and Brian once shared, he sent her a text saying he wanted her to keep the apartment and that he would have his stuff out by the end of the week.

Olivia recalled the moment she walked back in the apartment for the first time since Brian left, everything looked the same yet it felt empty, he left all the artwork he bought, his cattle skull still hung on the wall yet there was no proof that he ever lived there. His favourite books and albums were gone; the ties that always hung carelessly off the back of the couch were gone. His jackets no longer occupied half of the coat rack, and his shoes no longer sat in the mat beside their door. Olivia tried to fight the heartache that was slowly building up, she walked into the bedroom they shared and stopped at the sight of the little black box on the bed with a note tucked under it. She carefully opened the box and was stunned when she saw the Emerald and Diamond ring that sat inside, she slowly lifted the note and could no longer hold back the sobs that were stuck in her throat "_I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you wanted but you need to know, I wanted forever too._"

She sat on the couch, wearing a sweater that Brian had forgotten in the laundry basket, she looked around the large apartment and she sighed as she closed her eyes. So much had changed in the 5 weeks since the breakup; she had to face Lewis, lost her position as acting commanding officer of SVU and almost lost her job with the NYPD.

Olivia ran a hand over her face before she made her way to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine that she quickly downed before pouring herself another and making her way back to her spot on the couch; her mind wandering to Brian. She knew he had been sent undercover, Tucker told her that after one of the interrogations, she wondered if he knew what happened to her, or if he cared.

Brian had been the one who helped her through her first ordeal with Lewis, he was the one she called when she was frustrated with everything Lewis was getting away with when they first arrested him, and he was there for her after the assault. He watched from afar when she didn't want to be disturbed and held her close, reassuring her safety when she woke up in a panic after a nightmare.

Olivia's thoughts were interrupted when she heard knocking at the door which caused her to jump. She silently cursed herself for still being so jumpy, she knew the threat was gone, Lewis was dead and she was safe. She walked to the door and opened it without checking the peephole first, assuming it was Nick stopping by to check on her the way he's done every night since she came home.

Olivia's breath caught in her throat when she opened the door and saw Brian standing in front of her with a bouquet of flowers in his hand, his face flooded with emotion. He stared at her for a few minutes before finally breaking his silence, his words were quiet and his voice was soft and caring "can I come in?"

"Of course you can, Brian." Olivia smiled sadly as he handed her the bouquet of brightly colored roses and tulips.

"Liv, I'm so sorry. I should've come sooner. I just, I didn't know what to say to you. I should've been here to protect you…"

"Brian, please don't blame yourself. I made the choice to meet with Lewis, I slipped my security detail. I went against my C.O's orders. This is on me."

Brian made his way into the apartment they once shared; he looked around and noticed that most things were exactly as he left them, their photograph still sat framed on the bookshelf, his cattle skull still hung near the window, the artwork he brought from his old apartment still sat on the walls. Brian took a seat on the couch and broke the brief silence, "you didn't get rid of my stuff…"

Olivia sat on the opposite end of the couch as she had done so many times before, "I couldn't bring myself to do it; it would've made it all too real. I…I wasn't ready to give you up." As soon as she spoke the words, she immediately regretted it. She was the one, who walked away, and she was the one who held back. All the nights that he wanted to talk, to work on their relationship she occupied his time with sex or said she was tired. It was her choice to end the relationship and he went with it thinking it would've made her happy.

"You didn't need to give up, Liv. You didn't need to let me go, we could've worked on our relationship; all you had to do was trust me. Why couldn't you trust me, Olivia?" Brian's voice was soft and pleading, his hands sat folded in his lap while he gazed at the floor, not wanting Olivia to see the pain in his eyes.

"Oh, Brian," Olivia exhaled as sadly as Brian's words sunk in, "I did trust you- I _do_ trust you. There's no one in the world I trust more than I trust you. I would trust you with my life…"

"So why didn't you talk to me Olivia? I could've helped you. I could've protected you. Thinking of all that you've had to deal with since the breakup… I should've been here. I shouldn't have given up so easily, Olivia. After the breakup I asked Tucker to send me under for a while, I didn't want to deal with the pain of losing you. I was so selfish, I shouldn't have run, Liv. I'm sorry"

Olivia was astonished at what Brian was saying, he was never one to openly discuss feeling but whenever he did, he somehow he managed to blame himself for a situation she gave him no options in. He always found a way to blame himself for the issues they faced even when he had no fault.

Olivia reached out her hand and gently placed it on his, "no, Brian. I was selfish. I was scared and I was selfish so I pushed you away. I was the one who ran, not you. I should've talked to you I should've asked you what you wanted instead of making assumptions. I was scared that you would tell me you didn't want the same things I wanted, but you did…" She reached her free hand in the pocket of the oversized sweatshirt she was wearing and pulled out the ring that Brian had left for her and placed it on the coffee table in front of them, "why didn't you tell me how you felt that night, Brian?"

"You were adamant, Liv. I would never want you to stay in a relationship where you weren't happy, where you weren't getting what you deserved. I've always known you deserved better than I could offer you and that night you were so determined to leave…I just, I knew there was someone better for you. Someone you wouldn't need to question."

Olivia's heart ached from Brian's words, she knew he was wrong; he had done more than she ever did to try to salvage their relationship but she didn't know how to respond to him. The room fell into silence; the only sounds that could be heard were the muffled sounds of passing traffic and the sounds of the heavy rain that was drenching the city.

"He almost raped me…" Olivia's voice was small and quivering, she gently squeezed Brian's hand when she felt his body tense up beside her, "he didn't. He made me play Russian roulette with a 12 year old girl watching, he shot himself with the bullet that was supposed to be mine and all I could think of in that moment was you. All I could think about was how badly I treated you, how far I pushed you and us…"

Olivia shut her eyes tight in an attempt to stop the tears that were threatening to fall; she left the weight on the couch shift as Brian moved closer to her so he was now beside her, their shoulders and legs touching.

"When I was alone with him, while he was taunting me, every time I pulled the trigger all I could think of was you and then when it was all over, when the squad found me? For a little while I wished that one of those chambers hadn't been empty because I had no idea how I was going to do this without you, Brian. I'm so sorry, Brian. I shouldn't have just run out on you the way I did, I can't do this without you; I don't want to do this without you. I was wrong. I'm sorry, please. Please, forgive me."

By this point Olivia was no longer able to control her emotions; sobs wracked her tiny frame as Brian pulled her into his lap and held her while she cried. He ran his fingers through her hair and placed a soft kiss on her head, "it's okay, Liv, he's gone. You're safe now. I'm here, Baby. It's okay, let it out, I'm not going anywhere."

Brian held Olivia until her breathing slowed and body was no longer convulsing in sobs, when she finally gained her composure Brian spoke softly, "I don't know what I would've done if I lost you for good, Olivia. I would've never forgiven myself."

"I'm sorry, Brian…"

"Hey, stop apologizing, Olivia. Everything that happened with us, it was just as much my fault, if not more."

Olivia smiled as she wiped a stray tear, "okay."

"I mean what I said, Liv. I'm here. I'm here when you want to cry, I'm here when you just want to he held, and I'll be here when you're ready to talk, but I can only do this if you trust me." Brian cupped Olivia's face, looked deep in her eyes and smiled as he finished his thoughts, "I'm here. I'm in this Olivia, I'm not going anywhere but I need to know you're not going to run out on me again when it gets hard, because it will it get hard again. It always does, but you have to choose to fight through it. I will fight for us; I will fight for you. Forever."

Olivia smiled as fresh tears welled in her eyes, she closed the space between she and Brian by capturing his lips on hers, whispering into the kiss, "forever."

_**And if you want to cry  
I am here to dry your eyes  
And in no time, you'll be fine**_


End file.
